The premise is simple; I don’t believe for a second that George Lucas wrote the prequels before he wrote Star Wars. I believe he had concepts of terrible ideas for Han Solo and Princess Leia (that ended up becoming Boss Bass and Queen Amidala respectively), and the rest of it happened while on the john in 1995, one long weekend presumably after eating chili. He didn’t even bother to go back and watch the originals even once (because I believe that Kasdan is responsible for everything great about those movies, whereas Lucas is responsible for Return of the Jedi).
I’m sure we’ve all seen the infamous Red Letter Media review of Menace that launched a thousand complaint channels. Rather than echo what they have to say with things like “a thousand years vs a thousand generations”, Jim and I went through the ENTIRE “saga” and my mission was to prove that the [THEATRICAL] versions of the OT have absolutely nothing to do with the prequels. Here’s that listicle explaining how and why.
1. Despite finding R2-D2 as Luke loses consciousness/while he’s out cold, Obi-Wan has no idea who R2 is… you know, the droid that served with him since the Trade Federation invaded Naboo. The one that actually WAS given a commendation by the Queen for “doing its job.” By Revenge of the Sith, Obi-Wan was so familiar with R2, that he expects him to misfire/behave irrationally. He has “no memory of EVER having owned a droid” – despite owning about six on screen from the opening scene of Menace to the ending scene of Sith.
3. Obi-Wan’s conversation with Luke about his father:
This not only proves the prequels hadn’t been preconceived, it proves Empire hadn’t even been. Vader was NOT originally Luke’s father, and this is only later lazily retconned by Obi-Wan saying “I told you the truth, as I understood it."
Everything from “the lightsaber he wanted you to have when you were old enough” to “being my best friend,” could have easily been “lies an old man told himself/told Luke," and while it’s clear Obi-Wan did know what happened with Anakin/Vader (assuming at this point in time they were in fact two different people, provided nothing but the script for just “STAR WARS” existed), he’s clearly manipulating Luke into going down the same path (either ending up dead or evil) by lying to him.
4. Owen and Beru’s conversation with Luke about Obi-Wan/Anakin. Again, this could have just been lies, but they took very little care to make “Obi-wan” and “Anakin” dead. Why even keep the Skywalker name for Luke?
5. “A young Jedi named Darth Vader” is the “answer” to “how Luke’s father died.” While “This council does not bestow the rank of Master” to Anakin, no one at that point was even hinting about taking away his knightdom/the fact that he now in canon had a fucking padawan…and was also a General (but really, who ISN'T a General after surviving just one battle in these movies?). Damn old man Obi, taking away his titles, that’s cold.
6. “Vader helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights." No, he didn’t. Order 66 and the “clones” did. Darth Vader never actually killed ANY Jedi Knights. He assisted in the alleged killing of ONE Jedi Master, and he massacred “younglings." I’m not harping on the “betrayed and murdered your father” bit, as in Jedi, Obi-Wan’s ghost is all “in my POV lol.”
8. Padme who? Sloppy motivation for an entire movie/rushed heel turn. No mention of her in passing, not even once. And no, Leia’s “real mother memory” thing doesn’t count. Oh wait, it does.
9. Leia remembers her “real mother." This doesn’t make sense for a number of reasons. It’s bordering on “the original trilogy doesn’t even line up either,” but we’ll gloss over that for now.
a. Leia remembers her mother, while Luke doesn’t.
b. Leia later says “some part of her always knew,” (like when they kissed…twice? The second being even worse than the first one everyone points to) but Luke didn’t know she felt this way. He opens with “what do you remember about your mother, your real mother I mean?” Why the fuck is he gonna do that? What if she didn’t know that she was adopted. You just took away her royalty and shattered her entire world. She’s Princess Leia Organa, not “layperson Leia Skywalker," and she had no reason to think otherwise/legally couldn’t have been a princess if they secret was out.
c. Leia remembers her mother as being “beautiful, kind, but sad.” She got all that from Natalie Portman childbirth screams?
10. Is it fair to use the original Return of the Jedi theatrical script? Yes it is, chew on these lines:
Obi-Wan’s Ghost to Luke after Yoda has died re: father and sister:
"When your father left, he didn’t know your mother was pregnant."
There, for the grace of God, goes the entire script of Revenge of the Sith.
11. “Your mother took your sister to Senator Organa, and I took you to MY BROTHER, Owen.”
- and gone are the rest of the prequels as a sensemaking narrative. Just imagine Luke finding out that Vader is his father, Leia is his sister, and Owen was Obi-Wan’s brother!?! JER-RY JER-RY!
12. Maybe using original scripts isn’t playing fair. Fine, back to the movies themselves. Chewbacca doesn’t mention anything about the Jedi, Yoda, the Force, the Emperor, despite being direct witness to Order 66.
14. NO ONE IN THE FUCKING GALAXY BELIEVES IN THE FORCE OR EVEN KNOWS WHAT A JEDI IS.
In Phantom Menace, Watto, a junk dealer on an Outer Rim planet far removed from Jedi “protection” and the entire Republic, instantly recognizes and attempted Jedi mind trick. On Coruscant in Attack of the Clones, Anakin literally says “Go back to your drinks, Jedi business,” delivering the line as commonplace, as if he were Captain Louie Renault. Yup, I just used Casablanca and Attack of the Clones… in the same sentence. By Episode IV, just 19 years later, gone are the space diners, and ET delegates. No one believes in that “hokey sounding crap.” And despite how ridiculous this entire point has been, there’s still one FAR worse to come.
15. And the absolute number one glaring fact that proves the prequels weren’t written or even an afterthought beforehand AND that Lucas didn’t even bother to go over any scripts or watch the OT at all before writing them:
Anakin [Jake Lloyd] Skywalker leaves C3P0 on Tatooine to look after his mother. He even apologizes to the droid for not being able to finish him. Being as we all universally accepted that we hated the ever-loving shit out of Darth Vader building C3P0, (and yet…the same reveal worked great for HK-47. Perspective… ain't that a bitch?) we all then glossed over the fact that it’s Threepio who tells adult Anakin “yo momma got kidnapped by the Sand People,” (Tusken Raiders*) while standing next to Owen Lars, Anakin’s “Step brother."
There is no way in fuck that ANYONE, not even Owen “I aged 40 years in 20” Lars can forget the charming “personality” of C3P0, Human Cyborg Relations. And being as his father was a moisture farmer as well, guess what they had been using Threepio for back then as well?