By Jim Foote
"My Most Hated Movie" is a hefty burden, I know. There have been many movies I've seen and hated. Some examples: A Nightmare on Elm Street remake, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Wolf Creek, House of 1,000 Corpses, Cabin Fever, anything Melissa McCarthy seems to be in, etc. The list goes on but you get the point. So... having said all that, I'm going to take you on a journey into madness (and bad filmmaking). Someone said to me yesterday that Halloween Resurrection, starring national treasure Busta Rhymes, is worse than this. After I'm done with you, there will be no question... no comparison... Resurrection will seem like a great flick. Jump down the rabbit hole with me. Or should I say... go with the white horse.
The year was 2010. It was time for my senior project in a class called Multi-Media Design. Our assignment was to create an adaptation of something, anything. I chose a comic book at the time, Preacher. My idea was to have this big project, roughly 44 minutes, to act as a potential pilot. I wrote the scripts, story boarded, casted, got locations, everything. Naturally, a week before shooting... not only did people drop out, but some completely ignored any form of communication. They suddenly went into hiding. I would've had an easier time finding people in the witness protection program.
So I went to my teacher at the time and told him of this pre-production imploding in on itself like a dying star. So I decided to re-align the pieces. I'd turn it into a mockumentary of a failed video production, complete with over the top characters, a scene where the main character literally goes in search of an actor, etc. What did my teacher say? He outright refused the idea and said he expected the original adaptation. So what did I have? I had three people to help me and now I had to act as well.
Four people. It was the biggest piece of shit I've ever been a part of, and I've been a part of some bad stuff, some of it my own. That was my senior project, fucking WASTED. I was able to at least make a linear story that made sense, but the entire backstory was screwed. I had to rewrite the entire script based on this makeshift production which had people agreeing to act in it a day before actually shooting. So what did I do? I PUT TEXT ON THE OPENING TO EXPLAIN SHIT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY EXPECT THE ACTORS TO REMEMBER.
I guess I'm on par with Rob Zombie?
This shit took like thirty minutes. A dream sequence. Thirty minutes. Wasted.
That's what this movie does. They draw out things that don't belong, insert completely meaningless dialogue and scenes, then expects you to take it all seriously. Batman V Superman had better dialogue and then went full Martha. You never go full Martha.
It's difficult to pick which part/aspect of the film is the absolute worst, but I'd have to say its handle on the characters. None of them really matter and the only ones who do, are all awful. Laurie doesn't come across as someone having legitimate difficulty with living a normal life but instead someone who randomly yells 'fuck you' to strangers, even as she's driving. You truly don't care if she lives or dies.
You know... that's not right. You want her to die and for Annie to become the main character, because at least she's halfway decent. But nope. They bring her back from near death just to kill her in an even more random fashion. Seriously... why bring her back? Just so you can have someone yelling at Laurie? I don't get it. Sheriff Brackett is respectable enough in who plays him (not really even worth naming the actor, as he shouldn't even be associated with this mess) but gets some of the worst lines to say. The dinner scene between him, Annie and Laurie is rough to say the least and serves no real purpose in terms of story. It's just another scene that could be cut.
But the two main problems in terms of character are Loomis and Michael himself. Donald Pleasance as Dr. Loomis was absolutely legendary, so you're not going to even compare. I get that. What I don't get is how Loomis has been turned into a fame seeking, money hungry asshole. There's a certain line HE is forced to say, but I'll let Josh get into that. After the bad line, he proceeds to start cursing at the press in the same scene. Everyone in a Rob Zombie movie repeatedly drops f bombs. It's just how it is. You never get any feel Loomis cares for anyone but himself. He calls his assistant a lesbian... very randomly, and only tries to to the right thing when he realizes people outright hate him. He doesn't do it because Michael is evil incarnate and needs to be stopped. He doesn't do it because people are in danger. He does it because, "damn... people hate me. They won't buy my book."
And Michael. Michael Myers. He went from the size of a regular man, somehow with the power of a giant... to an actual giant. That's what made Michael special and memorable. He wasn't Jason Voorhees, who was absolute brute force. The evil inside of him, whether you want to go with only Samhain or full on Curse of Thorn, allows him to be as unstoppable and as strong as he was. Here, though... you get someone who is incredibly MASSIVE, grunting and actually talking. When he goes, "DIE" at Loomis, I was just like... "really with this shit?"
And why does he look like hobo Hugh Jackman from The Wolverine?
That's the thing about this movie. As it moves along it's two hour runtime, it gets progressively worse. Every scene seems to outdo how bad the previous one was. Laurie is screaming "fuck you" twenty times? Okay, now we're at a strip club with a guy who openly promoted said club on local television, gyrating for the camera. Even with all those things, there's one key element in this story that repeatedly brings it further and further down. That damn white horse.
Remember the opening text? It explained why seeing a white horse means you're fucked up in the head. That's all Michael seems to see. The white horse, though, isn't alone. His childlike version and dead mother are with it. They all hang out and go on the adventure together. They even see a billboard of Loomis, you know, to keep you on track. This Michael is solely based on revenge and being a little whiny brat with a bad childhood. He's not evil incarnate. He's just a bitch who is big enough to murder people.
Without going TOO much into Walking Dead or Talking Dead, Chris Hardwick is the number one shiller for anything AMC. A character could just take a dump on camera and suddenly, Chris Hardwick is acting as if the performance was really moving and we all need each other's shoulders to cry on. He doesn't so much bother me as he does Josh. I used to listen to his podcast and he was funny enough, but the moment he appeared on screen in this, Josh went, "mother fucking Chris Hardwick. God I hate this movie."
I'm kind of surprised he wasn't given long hair and a beard. Drrrrragulaaaaaaaa!!!!
Another thing on Busta. Resurrection doesn't ask you to take it seriously. It's pure schlock. Halloween II not only asks you to take it seriously, it takes ITSELF wayyyyyy too seriously. And hey, technically speaking... Resurrection is kind of a found footage movie, too. Streaming internet counts.
I was so wrong. I remember after having seen the flick, meeting up with a buddy outside of our local diner. I told him I needed to vent. I proceeded to angrily vent for an hour before we even ate. I couldn't process what I just watched and why it was ever made in the first place. Since this movie, I haven't watched another Rob Zombie movie. Hey, if I miss a real good one... so be it. It's the price to pay and I clearly footed the bill.
Then I found out Josh hadn't seen it. That was a pretty big moment. "Get out!" I said. "You haven't seen this piece of shit?!" I fell on the sword and watched it a second time last night, just so I can get Josh's running commentary. I needed it. I needed other people to realize how badly made this movie was. So now I present to you Josh's instant reaction, as seen on Facebook.
Because CLICHES FOR EVERYONE! I have never been so disgusted with a movie before... and I've seen Faces of Death plenty of times. Oh... and we did this to Josh's dvd afterwards.
Rest in peace, awful movie. I shall never lay my eyes upon you again.